Vocalabs Newsletter: Quality Times

Issue
25

In This Issue:


The Day After Christmas....

By an Anonymous Elf

Rinnggg

Hello! and welcome to Santa's Workshop and Christmas List Hot line! I'm Sandy Claus, your natural language speech recognition automated assistant! I can help you with all your Christmas and wish list needs! You can also go to double-u double-u double-u dot santas workshop dot com! Okay! Let's get started! What do you want to do?

Er....um....what am I supposed to say?

I'm sorry! I didn't get that! Just tell me what you need to do! For example, you could say "I need to update my wish list!" or "I want to track the location of Santa's sleigh!"

Um....I think I got the wrong presents this year. I got, like, clothes for a little girl, even though I'm fourteen. And a boy.

Okay! It sounds like you need to check on your children's wish lists! Is that right?

What? No! I don't even have any kids! I am a kid!

I'm sorry! Did you say "No"?

No! I mean yes! I mean....huh?!

I'm sorry! Please be patient with me! Sometimes it can be hard to understand the way some people talk, but I use an extremely advanced natural language speech recognition system, so I'm doing the best I can! Let's try something a little different! I think you want to check on your children's wish lists! Is that right?

No.

Please say "Yes" or "No"!

No.

If you don't say "Yes" or "No," it only makes my job harder! Please say "Yes" or "No"!

No.

Okay! I'm sorry I'm having so much trouble understanding you! But I think you said that you do not want to check your children's wish lists! Is that right?

Yes.

Okay! Here are some of the other things you can do with your children's wish lists! When you hear the thing you want, just say it! You can review your child's wish list! Mark an item as purchased! Mark an entire list as purchased! Remove an item! Mark an item as inappropriate! Create a new wish list! Or manage members of your family unit!

But....

I'm sorry! You can review your child's wish list! Mark an item as purchased! Mark an entire list as purchased! Remove an item! Mark an item as inappropriate! Create a new wish list! Or manage members of your family unit!

But I don't have any kids! I am a kid!

Okay! Mark an item as inappropriate! Based on your phone number, you are in the...Wilson...family! For security purposes, please speak your eight-digit PIN!

No, that's not right. Go back! Start over!

I'm sorry, that's incorrect. Please speak your eight-digit PIN!

Help!

Help! Okay! At this prompt, I need you to speak the eight-digit security code for your family! This step ensures that only authorized parents have the ability to manage children's wish lists! To speak your PIN, say each digit clearly into the mouthpiece of your phone, one digit at a time! For example, "One...two...three....four"! Please do not combine digits into phrases like "eleven," "seventeen-hundred," or "fifty-six," as that will make it harder to accurately recognize your security code! Please speak your eight-digit PIN!

This is wrong, go back!

I'm sorry, that's incorrect. Please speak your eight-digit PIN!

I said, go back! Operator! Agent! Elf!

I'm sorry, that's incorrect. The maximum number of incorrect attempts has been exceeded, and a security exception has been generated for this session. The state for this session is being reset.

Hello! and welcome to Santa's Workshop and Christmas List Hot line! I'm Sandy Claus, your natural language speech recognition automated assistant! I can help you with all your Christmas and wish list needs! You can also go to double-u double-u double-u dot santas workshop dot com! Okay! Let's get started! What do you want to do?

You gave me the wrong presents!

My voice-stress analysis software is showing that you are upset about something! I'm sorry to hear that! So I'm going to transfer you to a specialist!

(soft, dreamy music plays)....hello....my name is....Samantha Snowflake....and I am a fully automated natural language dispute resolution specialist....please listen to the soothing tones of my voice....and the calm music....and tell me....how can I make your day better....

I think I got the wrong presents for Christmas this year. I got, like, stuff for a four-year-old girl, like a Barbie doll and dresses and stuff, but what I wanted was a new skateboard and an iPod.

....I'm so sorry to hear that....how did that make you feel....

Well, at first I thought it was a joke. But then I kept opening all the presents, and realized that there must have been some kind of mistake. I live in a new subdivision, see, and all the houses kinda look the same from the air, so I figured, that's the sort of thing Santa could easily do by mistake.

....go on....

I'm not sure what more to say. I'm trying to get these presents to the little girl, cuz I'm sure she doesn't want a skateboard, but maybe she wants the iPod, but you know, I just want to figure out how to fix things.

....I understand exactly how you feel....what happened next...

So then I figured I should call the wish list hotline, since that's how I set up my wish list...hey, wait, you're not really understanding what I'm saying at all!

....this is very helpful....please continue....

You're just a stupid machine playing a cheap trick! How can I talk to a real person?

....mmm hmmm....then what happened....

This stinks! Isn't there some way to get someone to actually help me? Hey! Hello! Anybody there?

....I would feel the same way if that happened to me....please tell me more....

Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Monkey-butt!

....It sounds like you had a difficult time....and I can see why you are upset....

AARRGGHH!!! (click)

....please accept my apologies....and tell me what more we can do....

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